Wonderful

I am...

Wed, 27 Jun 2007 08:06:21 GMT

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLD)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

Dating Test

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 07:55:09 GMT

Back to the basics.
Adolescence extended; ending.
It's only appropriate for so long,
that colorful lifestyle.
Transitions make anxiety, make hope.
I am leaving you behind.
Status.
I am progressing, maturing.

Fix you.

Sun, 27 May 2007 01:17:39 GMT

When you try your best but you don't succeed.
When you get what you want but not what you need.
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep.
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face.
When you lose something you can't replace.
When you love someone but it goes to waste.
Could it be worse?

Study break.

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 10:18:23 GMT

(?'s Taken from the goodgirls site)

1.) What are the first three things you notice in a guy/girl?

First and foremost I notice his face. I like 'em easy on the eyes with soft features. I prefer a nice complexion and a clean cut, just shows that he has good hygiene. Second, I notice his presentation - clothes. I like a guy who has style, who can rock a look, from house clothes to tux. Shoe MUST be clean. I can not emphasize that enough. Doesn't have to be the most expensive or hyped up sneakers, they just have to be clean and appropriate. Last thing I look at after all that are his mannerisms. I hate, hate, hate, a man who knows he looks good and lets it get to his head. There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance. If he's a gentleman, opens doors, courteous, etc. brownie points! Chivalry is so hard to find now a days.

2.) What are some qualities you find absolutely ghastly?

For physical qualities: dirty fingernails, unmaintained feet, excessive and unkept hair on body parts other than his head, foul odor.

For qualities regarding personality: Again, I repeat.. a man who knows he looks good and lets it get to his head. Dishonesty, immaturity (I need a man not a boy), a lack of ambition, aversion to higher education, and no sense of responsibility.

3.) Do you pay attention to a guy’s/ girl’s personal style? Is it important to you?

Yes. He doesn't have to be on the edge of fashion, however I do care for a confidently carried self-presentation. That in itself is sexy. Besides, minor external factors can be easily adjusted with the help of the girlfriend!

4.) Is text messaging/myspacing an appropriate form of communication?

For inconsequential chatter yes. Actual tangible interaction should be the primary source of communication. Preferably, intertwined. ;)

5.) What is your idea of a perfect date?
Getaway to a winter resort. Swiss Alps, French Alps, Aspen, Tahoe, Utah, which ever. Play in the snow then retire to a cabin for some one on one time.

6.) Who are your top 3 celebrity crushes? Do you currently have a real life one?
Celebrity - So many! But if I had to narrow it down to 3 based on information provided by the media I would have to go with Orlando Bloom, Daniel Henney, and Wentworth Miller (his Princeton degree and mysterious eyes ...sigh).

Real life? ~~I haven't had a real life crush in so long~~ because I've been so focused with school, work, and traveling. There have been moments when someone catches my eye but I've come from a history of long term relationships that I'm enjoying the freedom of pampering myself, not reporting to another, and keeping my options open. In truth I've been having a lot of fun that I haven't even thought about it!

Correction! I was just reminded of a crush that I developed over the past summer. His name was Jordan. It was that type of puppy love crush that you remenisce about. The first time I met him, I shook his hand and said "My you are beautiful" without compeltely comprehending the situation or the fact that it was suppose to be a thought within my head, not an actual verbal action. He was absolutely gorgeous. It was ironic because I was in an environment where there was no need to be shy because we women had the upper hand. However, whenever he walked into the room, I went completely bashful and self-conscious. He made me nervous. I wanted to approach him confidently hoping that he would find intrest in my coy ways. That never happened. I couldn't find the nerves to and felt like a child in jr.high trying to gather intel out of my friends who were able to successfully interact with him if there was any chance. Luckily, I'm returning once more. Hopefully this summer fling will blossom.

Spring foward.

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 01:18:01 GMT

This entry is dedicated to the newest addition to the Filipino Press, Ms. Kathryn Danganan because she complained that I haven't done an entry in so long.

Where do I begin?

I left off winter quarter with a high stress level. I was taking the the last pre-requisite to get into my major and had rescheduled my finals one week earlier in order to go to Hawaii. Somehow, I miraculously survived that dreadful week and found myself waking up on the plane in paradise. The moment I saw Kate, Robin, and the rest of the Hawaii staff, I was able to breathe and relax (even though I was there for work).

So an all expense paid 2 week trip to Hawaii was not a bad way to spend my spring break. Just to explain it once more, because I've been getting so many puzzled faces as to how I managed that, this camp program I've been working with for the past year hired me to participate in a short camp in Hawaii with military children on the U.S. Navy Pearl Harbor base. It was a relaxing trip and refreshed my spirits. I came back to the mainland with a renewed motivation towards excelling in spring classes and the darkest tan ever. Darn that SPF50, didn't block nothing.

I have the sweetest new schedule. Classes on tuesdays and thursday from 11am-3:15pm. Yup, that simple. I work on Monday's and Wednesday's for a couple of hours at the medical office - just enough to by me some nice things. Then Friday through Sunday is left for me to schedule to my pleasing.

I'm happy to say that this new schedule passes by very smoothly and that spring quarter is off to a great start. I'm more excited to get this ball rolling because as each day passes by it means that I am closer to returning to what Kate refers to as "heaven on earth".

Hmm, what else is new...

-I just died my hair completely black. The reddish brown and maintaining it was irritating me.
-I went to my first show at the Laugh Factory. Had a great time, you should check it out!
-My room is a complete disaster. I want to minimize but I have a hard time letting go of things I think might be useful in the future.
-I've discovered a new boy of the moment -- Mr. Daniel Henney. Google him. He's sexy, I promise.
-I'm hungry.

So on that note I say farewell. I'll update more I promise!

2 Weeks

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 00:35:50 GMT

Update update update.

I recently just acquired a new job. Yay me. I started working at a medical office just a couple blocks from my apartment. Hours are flexible and my co-workers are cool. They're these older professional women but I love how they can be ghetto at the sametime. Okay that's enought about work, don't want to get sued or something for talking about work on the internet.

On another note, I'm leaving for Hawaii in 2 weeks to work a spring break camp in Oahu. I just signed up last friday so this trip was made impulsively. My father is stationed there for the moment with his company, my mom was just there for the weekend, and I was begging them to send me over as well but they refused. So shit, it's funny how things work out. Alright ma, you ain't gonna send me then I'm about to send myself! Riiight!? I love how Camp is taking me to all these places. Anyways, as glamourous as that sounds there are some negatives to this trip. Even though you may be picturing me laying on the beach & partying that will probably be 10% of my trip. I'll be WORKING. Supposedly 6am -6pm. And with the departure date being 5 days earlier than when I officially end classes, I have to take my final exams earlier, so that takes away precious, precious study time. :( So I am busting my ass for the next two weeks.

My apartment magically has cable! wooo hoo!!

What else...

I love it when friends from home come to visit me in LA. It's nice to have that taste of home, of carne asada fries in an environment so busy and so lonely at the same time. So thank you Elaine, Jenny, and Bill for coming up. If you're a homie then come visit!

Alright that's about it.

I'm sorry if I haven't phoned or haven't been able to hang out or what not. I wish there were more hours in a day so time wouldn't be so sparse. We're all busy, we're all doing our own thing, and all we have are moments when we're at the right time at the right place to share. Funny how life becomes like that.

I'll post pictures of my trip when I return.

Aloha.

The Game.

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 05:27:04 GMT

So I'm listening to Game's new single, "Wouldn't get far" which talks about how video vixens ain't all that and won't get any where in life. How the only reason they're appearing in these rapper's videos is only because they're gold digging. I don't understand how he can go and dismiss them because rap videos wouldn't be rap videos without one of these girls gyrating their bottoms in hot shorts, licking their lips, and spreading eagle. Ya know? He has video vixens all over his videos, talking about how hes with a different chick every day of the week. So how is he encouraging these ladies to bouce their booty for him to give him that cool "I'm the fucking man who can get anyone" persona if he's dissing them?

Yeah, money is a big issue. But lets face it, 99% of rappers are butt hurt in the face so without their unnecessary wads of cash, these girls wouldn't be caught no where around them. So it'd be better to have the money right? Better than broke and on top of that lonely and sexless. This stereotype of calling girls gold diggers is rooted from the same place us women call men cheaters. With all these Life Science, Evolution, Sexuality, classes I've been taking I've been seeing a shared theory in all of them - that these gender traits have sprouted from our evolutionary backgrounds. Men want more partners to increase fitness, women want a man who can support and invest to increase fitness. These traits have filtered down and been selected for into our current state. I'm not saying that this is the only and primary reason for these gender tendencies but it does have a significant part right? I'm not saying that this is an excuse for excessive infidelity and gold digging... just hey this is how its been back then and it's at an extreme now. So again, I reiterate... most of ya'll rappers are really ugly - without the money you wouldn't be having sex, none of these video vixens would be fucking ya'll.

ANYWAYS,

update update update.

Schools getting busy. Now with training session starting up again, org meetings I want to join, and midterm's - I'll have a lot on my hands. PLUS I got a J.O.B (so I wouldn't have to dance for rap videosto get some mone... JK!) at a medical office... now I can start saving for Germany and maybe take that trip into Portland or Detroit to visit my friends. We'll see.

I want, I want!

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 08:41:27 GMT

Scored on some skinny levis raw denim jeans $20!!! wooo hoo.

Back from Tahoe

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 09:16:14 GMT

First off, Happy 21st Birthday to one of my best friends Raenan. I can't believe we're fucking growing up.

So I just got back into LA from a birthday weekend getaway in Tahoe. It was pretty chill and tiring at the same time. Made some new friends and I learened that I am not made for Snowboarding - but a year for new experiences right?

Alright, now I need a vacay from that weekend vacay. I need to unpack and recover from the constant aroma of weed in the air and overexcessive use of the word "niggah". Those SF folks...

Prost to Tahoe!

Not again... please

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 12:44:10 GMT

I've been reading Harry Potter again for the umpteenth time - I figure I refresh my memory on the 732 or so pages of the Order of the Pheonix before the movie releases - in my bed before I settle in for my night's rest. Although, I usually get to wrapped up into the story line time and time again that I don't close the book until 4, sometimes 5 am. Tonight like no other night, I finally finish the Half-Blood Prince at about 3:30am. While pondering the ending, I look at my breast (I'm in a low cut tank top) and see some sort of dried skin inbetween my clevage. I attempt to peel it off and search for more dry spots when there it is ... another breast lump.

"Not again...please," I thought. Examining the edge of my left breast, the same one that housed the previous breast lump, there was no denying the presence of a cyst. "Fuck..." I thought. Immediately I start to feel stress creeping on my shoulders. No longer under the warmth of my mink blanket, the cold made me want to urinate. I noisly get out of bed and into my bathroom. My mother, whose room who is adjacent to mine and with the door wide open, sleepily asks me what am I doing as though I've been up all night (which I have) and am now going to go watch tv when I really need to be getting sleep. I answer that I need to use the bathroom and after I do, seeing to as she is already somewhat awake, I decide to make her examine the bump as well. "Mom can you feel this? Is this another lump?" A tone of sudden alertness and worry is found in her voice, "Oh yes..." Another fuck I scream in my head.

I'm back sitting on my bed, tearing up, as this appears in my mind: "WHAT THE FUCK. Why me again? What the hell is wrong with my body? As if I haven't got more problems to deal with." I've been going to numerous medical appointments for physcial examinations to turn in to Camp Headquarters for my summer internship, but also because I've been ignoring health issues for school and other matters. Something which I regret now.

First, there is still that mystery with my non-existant menstrual cycle. I'm approaching a 6 month dry spell since the light trace of one, and it was at about another 10 month gap before that. I thought I was becoming irregular and that my body was reacting to the disapperance of hormones provided from the birth control that I was taking for about 2-3 years prior. I got caught up in more pressing issues at the time and when I finally sat down and actually thought about it, all this wasted time has elapsed - probably making whatever my condition is worse.

Second, when the results from my blood work returned to the clinic, my physician diagnoises me with liver disfunction. Something I was diagnoised with earlier in the year by his assistant, but during that time I was in a nauseauted state and could barely get up and walk around due to sharp pains in my back. I show no signs of that now and on the contrary feel quite fine. I have an abdominal ultra sound scheduled for 8:45am, in about less than 5 hours and I can't sleep because I'm worrying about this. Some how I think my menstural cycle mystery and liver disfunction is related.

Then, there are the other, yes other, lumps on the back of neck that seem to engorge whenever I'm very stressed out or am experiencing anxiety. I remember during this recent final's week they were the size of a small marble - again "Fuck, fuck, fuck" was racing through my mind. But during my physical examination my doctor said that they are just oil glands and unless they are causing me an immediate pain, I shouldn't be concerned.

Maybe my doctor is stupid. He just gave me a breast examination in my physical exam a week ago and didn't spot this! How couldn't he? So now I have to schedule another appointment, give up another $20 for co-pay and wait 40 min in a small room for a 3 min consultation.

I can picture it in my mind. Sooner or later my doctor will diagnois me with cancer - breast cancer, ovarian cancer, regular cancer whatever, and that I will have ____ # of years to live. What will I do then? How will I act? I thought that the last breast surgery was the last time and that I was a rare case to have it at 16, but I've met three other girls who've endured the same predicament and have friends of friends who also experience a cyst. Maybe this is becoming much more common?

I just want to be healthy right now. I want to have my freaking period, damnit. I want to bleed. I feel so bloated and predict that when that day does come, the cork plug storing a year and a half's worth of blood will release itself and I will be 40 lbs lighter. My liver needs to function properly so I can get properly pissed and shitfaced back in Europe. I will not let my liver rid me of my right to the I-just-turned-21-!-Let's-go-to-Vegas-! right of passage. Oh no, what if I need a liver transplant? Or need to undergo some kind of dialysis. I want all these lumps to go away - they worry the shit out of me and I don't think I could bear hearing the doctor declare me as a cancer patient - or any other type of disease/virus/whatever.

Maybe I'm just feeling very afraid, helpless, and angry because I've just finished reading the H.P. novel, and the feelings are intensified ontop of the Snape-killing-Dumbeldore ending. Maybe, since I'm already emotionally down in the gutter about school-love-friends-life, I'm over analyzing? I tried going to sleep but my thoughts were running at 3.0x10^8 m/s and I knew that I had to write, write on this blog to transfer my thoughts to electronic "paper" and give me a shot at salvaging a couple hours of sleep before more doctor appointments.

To my two readers that prbably do read this (i'm guessing Kat and C.Mae), thanks for letting me sort of vent.

I'm supposed to be on vacation damnit.

Pray for me.

UGGGH

Tue, 26 Dec 2006 05:03:55 GMT

I'm so upset right now because of the lack of family unity that my family expresses. Not so much with my within my immediate family but the relations externally. Because see I enjoy family gatherings, BIG family gatherings - it makes childhood fun. All those memories of playing around with your cousins, laughing at your family's stupid tendency, getting frustrated with your Aunties critiquing your life infront of your face because they have nothing better to talk about, your uncles drinking and bullshitting in the backyard. That stuff. Most especially family trips... a whole gang of the so and so's on a vacation. And the auntie who does like to do that is inviting my family to come along to Vegas for New Years and my mother is such a kill joy. We never do anything for New Years anyways - we sit on our fat asses watching tv waiting til Midnight then go to sleep. Fucking wack if you ask me. Now we are presented wiht the opportunity to spend it at a Vacation house in one of the most happening cities with family and my parents just want to sit. SOOO WACK. I get all round up for the holidays only to get dissapointed because the lack of spirit they show. Then I always tell myself that when I have my own family my holidays will be eventful and decorated with plenty of family and friends around to share the joy with - none of this sit around with 2 people bull shit. I mean being with loved ones is one of the big reasons for celebrating the Holidays and here I am wishing this could be happening. Every other filipino family I know have these big celebrations and get together with family so often. But mine - they're so off with no spirit or unity at all. FUCKING A this just fucking upsets my christmas. I know this may seem like nothing to you but shit it really does put a downer to my christmas.

There is beauty in the breakdown.

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 10:34:12 GMT

Application and aspiration has lost its integrity.
A nebulous mind, a nublious prospect.
The accumulation of failure,
the vulnerability exposed in bleariness,
preys on my deteriorating vigor of soul and spirit.
Affairs become delicate, days become quiet.
Comprehension in its entirety was a sharp stab,
a destructive entity entering and engulfing me whole.
I learned happiness thrives on progression - I have not progressed in three years.

I finally collapse in front of her.
She said, pray my child... pray.
And so I pray for mercy, forgiveness, strength.
I pray for direction and appreciation of my blessings.
I pray sincerely for the first time in three years - I find beauty in the breakdown.

Finals.

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 12:48:01 GMT

It sucks how hard work isn't enough anymore as you get older. One has to take it a step further, has to have the natural talent and the discipline. Ugh. I can see all my work towards excelling at this quarter being shot down this week during finals.

Excuse my pessimism, but I just need to let it out.

On a related note, nice people do finish last. How sad is it that you have to be an asshole to get respect and your way. If I'm not tough enough, I'll be walked over, taken advantage of by people who have no consideration and remorse. Yet this faith persists, faith that people will pleasantly surprise us - give them the benefit of the doubt, but only to find we should have protected our resources, our times, ourselves.

"Be courteous to all, but intimate with few, and let those few be well tried before you give them your confidence. True friendship is a plant of slow growth, and must undergo and withstand the shocks of adversity before it is entitled to the appellation." - George Washington.

I've been thinking a lot about the meaning of friendship. It's been bothering me a lot lately and I wish I could write what I truly feel on the subject - I'm actually a bit angry about it - but for purposes of privacy and misunderstanding, I'll keep that one to myself. I've seen a lot of friendships end, even experienced my share of that.

I don't know. I'm starting to believe you can only really count on FAMILY - blood and flesh family. None of this you are my sister from another mother type of family shit. And if you're family lets you down, I wouldn't blame the individual if they had some serious trust and/or mental issues.

That's enough of that subject.

I have to concentrate on finals.

Fuck, why doesn't hard work and integrity count for anything anymore?

Go UCLA.

Sun, 03 Dec 2006 00:00:28 GMT

UCLA vs. USC right now. 3rd quarter, 5:38 left on the clock, 10 to 9. Hope there is a miracle today.

We have some good looking bruins on the team - hello Cowan.

Okay so enough pigskin talk. I have an issue to pick with on feet and flip flops.

What is it with people and not moisturizing their feet? Seriously I go to campus everyday and notice numerous students wearing their rainbows or whatever and the hell of their feet is so horrendously dried and/or emitting a sort of yellow tint. I know we're in SoCal, but its December now, it is cold. Stop wearing flip flops EVERYDAY. Start LOTIONING you're feet and giving yourself a pedicure. You strain you're feet everyday with all the pressure you put on it, it would be just so wrong to ignore the maintenence of this.

Oh. And wearing FLIP FLOPS to a club or a party... HELL TO THE NO. Especially to a club. I see girls get all dressed up, hair did, cute top, their booty jeans, and they run out the door wearing their rainbows that have aged 20 years with the foot stains and tear or the simple $5 plain black thongs. C'MON NOW!?! Okay I know they're comfortable and you know what, so are FLATS. If you hate to wear heels, wear some nice flats - they're comfortable and stylish at the same time.

Geez, people these days.

Oh and the more I watch these Sex and The City DVD's, the more I get annoyed with Carrie's obsessive and whiny personality.

Disquietude

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 06:40:04 GMT

The only two things that will put a true smile on my face: winter break and the prospect of returning to Germany with some of my favorite people.

That some thing's missing feeling is back to vex me.

There is one girl who I know that I am honestly jealous of and in my eyes I feel as though she has everything I want. She's a good friend of mine. She's intelligent, pretty and thin, comes from an extremely well off family, has possibly found the love of her life and already has the details to their future set, will graduate her institution with honors and continue on to a successful career, has an unbelievable and devoted relationship with her friends. She's set. I wonder why can't I have that too?

In addition, I don't know what's going on with my body, with my health. My internal sleeping clock is no longer ticking and I have a very random sleeping pattern. My menstrual cycle is still MIA and... and well let's just say I might need to get surgery again.

Facade, it is. Facade.

On a brighter note, we decorated a corner of our living room for the Christmas Holiday. Looking at that corner makes me feel warm inside even though its cold outside.

Exhausted.

Mon, 30 Oct 2006 10:50:40 GMT

After round 1 of midterms I am exhausted. I've had 3 midterms, 3 homework sets, and 1 quiz to strain over the last week. Now, the beginning of a new week and I have one more today - in about 11 hours and 16 min. I'm about 50 pages of reading and 142 questions/practice problems away until I can even think about getting some shut eye or rest for the exam. UGHHHHHHHHHHHH. I'm so fed up with school right now.

Anyways, it's my 20th birthday this Thursday. If you're in LA, I'm having a dinner on Wednesday night at my apartment, come join. If you're in SD, I'm having a BBQ at my house in the afternoon, come jump in the astro jump.

I need to return to statistics, but I'll leave you with this wonderful poem written by one of my bests on the other side of the States. It's entitled "Beautiful" by C.mae.

Tales of beauty are spinning around my head
like humming birds buzzing over a honeysuckle

Tell me of my stunning looks
tell me of the songs you sing to me
tell me the blind poetry you compose in your dark closets
tell me of the slits on your heart when I don’t dart my eye your way
tell me that I have slain you

What funny tales I have heard today

You say you are beautiful
I feel that I am wrong
You say you are fashionable
I feel that I am out of season
You say you are brilliant you shine effortless
I feel that I am spent before I attempt to speak

What funny tales I have heard today

These tales buzz and buzz
I hear whizzing by my ear, the sound grazes my hearing so slightly

I think I shall laugh
at these funny, funny tales

Birthday.

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 03:41:44 GMT

First off, Happy Belated 20th to Camille and 21st to Kathryn. Out of our teens, when did we all grow up?

As I browsed through my collection of old photo in a silver tin box for pictures to paste on Camille's homemade card, the young faces in the photos hit me. I remember at that certain captured moment in time me and my friends thought we were so cool, so mature. We acted like the shit and life didn't get any better or simpler than that.

Life is no longer simple or easy.

One by one the dining table at Camille's birthday dinner filled up with what's left of my high school friendship. Almost three years out and apart from each other, we all still manage to come together on special occasions or every so often. Nostalgia arises and we're back in the corridors of Montgomery, the fun chemistry returns, or at least it tries too. We miss how it was but put on a smile and pretend everything is still the same. However each person sitting there lives a different life now, all with different stories or still continuing the same one. Out of my circle of friends some of us are almost done with college, some work full time jobs, some are elsewhere in the world, some even have a family now. Sadly, some are stuck in a rut, some won't grow up, some are going no where, or just barley getting by.

We all have responsibilities now. We have to decide on our careers, we have to financially support ourselves, we have credit card debts, tuition, rent, bills to pay. We're going to be lawyers, nurses, teachers, maybe even Wal-Mart workers or Burger King managers. We try to have serious intimate adult relationships with long term commitment, we try to live and prosper in different cities away from home, we try to become adults.

I'm practically the only nineTEEN year old in my immediate social circle but too be honest I feel as though I really should be turning 24 this year. I barley made the cut off for school entry birth dates and became the kid who always turned whatever age last. Though the youngest, I sure didn't act like it.

I always marked Camille's Oct. 15th birthday as a milestone to my own. After her's I always start to feel anxious and excited for mine to roll around. Although when the actual day hits I don't have much to be excited for, quite the contrary I'm rather more disappointed. I can remember a number of bad birthdays, even one where none but two of my friends showed up (one true friend, and one there for the bbq) and getting yelled at by my mom for making her do all this cooking and work for nothing. Another, where the guy I was dating at the time completely ignored my parents at my dinner and pissed them off which in turn got blamed on me for dating him. I can't even remember what I did last year for my birthday, all I do recall is driving down Rodeo drive at 2am in my pajamas for a break because we had midterms to study for. Seems like the only good ones were the ones in pictures when I was a toddler. After all that I learned to not disappoint myself again and keeping the celebration to a minimum: Me, my mom, my dad, my brother, and Cheesecake Factory. I don't blame people for not wanting to tell anyone its their birthday or hating that day. I did, however, have two good ones, my 18th and I think my 12th, but I wish I had gone through the whole debut - introducing Ms. Khristine A. Vinluan into the society thing. Getting dolled up in beautiful gowns and having everyone who cares there in honor of you.

That would have been nice.

So I started writing my wishlist. Of course it started off with general birthday wish presents, the materialistic things, but then it got kind of serious. Here's the unedited version I wrote that night:

I guess some of these things I'll just have to wait a couple more birthdays, or maybe after a decade or two of birthdays to see if I do get them.

We earned our spot here.

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 17:52:30 GMT

A modest proposal for an immodest proposition
By Jed Levine
DAILY BRUIN CONTRIBUTOR
jlevine@media.ucla.edu

Over a hundred students gathered in Meyerhoff Park last week to express discontent with the University of California admissions policy.

Protestors chanted such slogans as, "UC Regents, I see racists," and criticized UCLA for not doing enough to increase diversity.

But they missed the point entirely.

Why focus on the "racist" UC Board of Regents? Why go after something so cliche as "The Man"?

If you're going to blame anyone, I say we blame the Asians.

I empathize with members of the Black Student Union and MEChA who spoke at the rally. As a fellow underrepresented minority at UCLA, I agree that it's hard to find other white people I can identify with on a campus that feels more like Taipei than L.A.

Yes, white people are an underrepresented minority here at UCLA; while they make up 44 percent of the California population, white students only constitute 34 percent of UCLA's student population.

Asian-Americans, on the other hand, make up only 12 percent of the state of California and 38 percent of UCLA students.

That's 300 percent over-representation: Welcome to UCLAsian.

I agree with the chair of MEChA that the UC Regents are using unfair means to admit UC students. Using grades and test scores as a measure of academic success is clearly just a way to show preference to Asian-American students, who are better at both, and thus promote the status quo.

Why else would they focus on such erroneous admissions criteria as grades and test scores?

What is this, an academic institution? I certainly hope not.

Fortunately, last week's rally has given us a chance to dwell on the critical topic of affirmative action – the practice of using race in university admissions.

Some might point to socio-economic inequality and the poor state of California's inner-city schools as key parts of the larger problem, and that low numbers of white, black and Latino students are simply a symptom of these larger issues.

By fixing these inequalities, they say, we can change the dynamics of our society and increase minority enrollment.

But these people are wrong. Affirmative action makes sense, because, as any pre-med will tell you, treat the symptom, not the disease.

How can we fix this gross inequality and make sure that UCLA better reflects the racial makeup of California? How can we curb the Asian invasion?

Considering that Proposition 209, passed by California voters in 1996, effectively banned any form of affirmative action at the UC, you might think this would be a tough feat.

According to speakers at last week's rally, the only thing standing in our way – aside from Prop. 209 – is those racists running this sham of a social experiment that we call the University of California.

Still, we have an excellent opportunity to reform the admissions process to benefit underrepresented minorities without violating Prop. 209 and directly using race.

For example, we could easily decipher potential Asian-American applicants by checking what student groups they are involved in, such as Asian cultural organizations or Key Club.

I hear some liberal arts colleges accept head shots from applicants, and I think a similar program at UCLA would be monumentally successful at helping us weed out the young Maos and Kim Jongs from potential Mandelas, Lincolns and Estefans.

By keeping the Asian-American student numbers under control and more accurate to their representation in California, we can free up 26 percent of the student body for members of underrepresented groups.

The result is a win-win situation: fewer rolling backpacks, more diversity.

These overflow Asians could then be funneled into a new UC campus where they can be free to explore their identities. Indeed the UC system has a brand new campus that fits the bill perfectly.

Say hello to the UC Merced Pandas.

Some might accuse the BSU and MEChA of wasting their time kicking a dead horse by supporting an idea that California voters shot down in 1996 and have no intention of voting back again.

But I think this problem is more pertinent than ever, and it's time to wake up and smell the bamboo.

"Using grades and scores as a measure of success is clearly just a way to show preference to Asian-American students," ... PUH-LEAZE. Even without affirmative action, we earned our place here. And to suggest that the UC board send all the Asians to UC Merced so we would "be free to explore", ignorant. Why not all the white, black, latino people just go there instead? Because obviously, if that were the case that would be segregation. Who's the racist now.

However, I do agree that there should be more diversity but we are not the ones to be blamed. His suggestions are out of line.

It's gloomy.

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 00:45:24 GMT

It's a gloomy day outside, reminds me of the weather in Germany. I love gloomy days.

It's a day to do nothing. A day to sleep in (1:00pm in my case), stay in your pajamas, eat yesterday's left overs, and lay idlely stuck to the television screen. Extreme Makeover:Home Edition is on tonight. Gloomy Sundays are also days to just sit in the room lowly lit by natural light, stare at the window opening, and lose yourself in thought. It's calm, it's theraputic, it's insightful.

Do you ever feel like your soul is an old soul? I do. I don't know if I believe in past lives, hell I'm not even sure if I really believe in God, but I do pray. If not to God, then to some higher cosmic entity disguised as God. Anyways, I don't know if possesing an old soul is a good thing or bad thing or if it will help me in any way. I'd like to think so though. Maybe I'm sounding silly right now.

More thoughts later...

Bitter and not sweet at all.

Tue, 26 Sep 2006 09:42:03 GMT

Thank goodness Camille enforced the "Do not live with your best friend" rule, or else we would probably be at each other's throats now. I already hate being back in the States after that wonderful 2 months in Germany, then the thought of going back to school in LA - a place thats very hit or miss with me at times - made coming back even harder. Now, I feel like I live in a broken home in LA. My roommates were basically my social life, they became my best friends, and to see all of that disappear puts a pout on my face. I arrive to feel the tension in the air. Sigh. Now I have to split my time between the two. Split my conversations, my attention, my memories. I hope, at least, my friendship with either one still remains strong.

Not a good way to start my school year.

It's okay. I told myself I'm going to bury my head in my books.

I miss Hohne.

All these ordeals, we must be suspicious of even our "friends" now.

Hop across the pond.

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 19:16:00 GMT

Who needs Harvard or Yale?
U.S. students are discovering the advantages of elite British universities. And they're saving a bundle.

By BusinessWeek

If you're into prestige as well as a top-notch education, Oxford is right up there with Harvard. Yet consider this: An incoming freshman at Harvard College is looking at an estimated $185,800 for tuition and room and board over the next four years.

The same student can earn a degree at Oxford in just three years for about $112,000 -- and that includes all school expenses, plus travel to and from the States.

The Oxford deal was too good to pass up for Christopher Schuller, a 20-year-old Nashville native who is starting his third year there with a double major in law and German law. "Even with overseas fees and the high exchange rate, Oxford is still cheaper," says Schuller, who found a similar cost advantage in the British school over his top stateside pick, the University of Chicago.

Who needs the Ivies, or any other elite U.S. college, when your kid can hop across the Atlantic for an excellent educational adventure? Besides lower costs, prestigious British universities offer the excitement of living abroad. Plus, they have less stringent entry requirements than Ivy League schools. For example, the University of St. Andrews, Scotland's top-ranked university, expects applicants to have SAT scores of around 1,300, compared with 1,500 for most Ivies. The London School of Economics and Political Science (LSE) doesn't even use the SAT, instead requiring four advanced placement (AP) tests with scores of 4 or 5.

More U.S. students are noticing such advantages. According to Britain's Universities & Colleges Admissions Service (UCAS), 2,201 U.S. high school students applied to full-time undergrad programs at British universities last year, a fourfold increase since 1996. Some 948 were accepted. "Students get the chance to engage with a different culture while getting a top-of-the-line academic experience," says Marsha Little, director of college counseling at the Lovett School, a prep school in Atlanta.

Competitive edge
A degree from a top British university can also offer that extra edge in an increasingly competitive and global job market. Alex Dresner, a 20-year-old sophomore at the LSE from Washington, D.C., believes the experience he's gained while studying overseas helped him land an internship at a communications consulting firm this summer. Shaun Harris, adviser at the LSE career service, thinks the school's pedigree plays well with employers. "We have a pretty good reputation with Goldman Sachs and Morgan Stanley, as well as the White House and the Pentagon," he says.

The British approach to higher education may not appeal to everyone. Unlike the broad liberal arts curriculum offered by U.S. schools, British universities require students to specialize from their freshman year. For example, a biology major would take only classes related to the degree, and it would be difficult to branch out. Switching majors, in effect, is starting over.

A different world
The chance to specialize at such an early stage can be a bonus in many professions. When Schuller finishes his degree at Oxford, he will be able to qualify to take the New York State Bar exam upon completing a U.S. law refresher course. That will save him tens of thousands of dollars on the cost of law school, plus he'll have the opportunity to earn money during the three years he would have been in school.

Even though Britain and the U.S. share a language, Americans studying in Britain have to adjust to a different culture, a task harder than it might seem. Class hours, for example, are kept to a minimum, typically less than 10 per week, with students splitting their time between small seminars and larger lectures. Independent study is the name of the game; there is typically no set homework, and students must motivate themselves rather than rely on professors.

Social life also differs from U.S. schools. With no fraternities, sororities, or large-scale college sports, extracurricular life revolves around student unions: campus-based organizations that run everything from school elections to parties and help students with academic and personal problems. Societies, or student clubs, also play a part. There's usually something for everyone, ranging from sports and charity organizations to drama and political groups.

How to apply
The application process will be foreign to U.S. students. They apply through UCAS, not directly to the schools. (The one exception is St. Andrews, which offers a special form similar to those for U.S. colleges.) Early in the fall the application becomes available online, and includes a personal statement and one teacher reference. You can apply to six universities in total for a flat fee of $30. The deadline for Oxford and Cambridge is Oct. 15 because both require an in-person interview. For any other school, the deadline is June 30, with most sending out acceptance letters by mid-August.

British schools have little scholarship money available, so most U.S. students must pay their own way. Those in need of aid can apply to Sallie Mae International for student loans, just as if they were going to a U.S. school.

When it comes to bang for your buck, going abroad for college can be a smart idea. But will a degree from a British university help American students when they go home? For Zahra Nawaz, a 23-year-old LSE graduate from Alexandria, Va., it definitely has. After returning to the U.S. in 2004, she was accepted into a master's program in security studies at Georgetown University and began working part-time at the Homeland Security Institute, a think tank of the U.S. Homeland Security Dept., in Washington.

Nawaz has some advice for any student thinking about taking the British path to college. "Be open, consider everything, and don't be afraid to get out of your comfort zone," she says. "In the end, the different cultural experience you'll get is an education in itself."

-- By Mark Scott, BusinessWeek

I wonder if I applied... hmmmmm. That'd be a dream!

In need of an update.

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 09:05:12 GMT

I didn't know scrapbooking could be so darn expensive. Even more surprisingly, stickers! Just for lettering could go up to $3.99. Absolutely horrendous! That has turned to be my new favorite saying, next to the "Uhh-uhhhhhhhh" or "You nasty!". I'm trying to showcase my Europe photos in a well developed scrapbook but the money to produce this is hard on a student budget. I've managed to spend $30 dollars on 5 pieces of background paper, 2 sticker sets, black photo corners, and 1 acid-free glue stick. We'll see how this project goes. I'm tempted to just create the pages on photoshop upload it to a photosite like imagestation and order the coffee table book for just $24.99 + s/h.

School starts soon, Thursday to be precise. I still feel somewhat incomplete, lonely, no sense of purpose in L.A.. Or as my friend K. Cathcart likes to say, "borderline depressed." I don't want to go back there. In the back of my head I keep thinking that things, my mindset, my life, would be different - much better, if I had taken my original path. Yeah, yeah, yeah, things happen for a reason, blah blah. You've all told me this for the past two years but I'm still here. Before I left for Europe, I felt things shifting and then I come back to differences. I can't help but think the universe or destiny gave me that experience for compensation for what I could've had, no complaints there at all, but that high is only temporary and seasonal.

Everyone somehow is stuck in a rut I suppose. Things could be worse.

I try to remind myself.

Return to reality.

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 08:57:35 GMT

I'm back.

And I hate it.

I've been back about 9 days but it feels like months since I've been in Germany. I can't explain to you everything that has occurred this summer, you just needed to be there to understand. The summer wasn't easy - it wasn't a vacation and full of lesiure. I have complaints and grief about this and that and I have had my patience pushed and crossed, but this has been the time of my life.

Everything that could've went wrong, did in fact go wrong, but I hold this experience so deep in my heart. With the lows came the memorable highs. Without ordeal, the good times wouldn't have been as satisfying. So pleasing that I will return for round two in summertime 2007. I now understand why the vets have returned for two, even three, summers. I now believe and am currently experiencing the slight depression the veterans warned me about upon return to the States. According to them, I'll be having withdrawals for a couple more months. I'm still have people I need to contact and people I must see, but I apologize now for being anti-social at the moment. I'm still out of sync with things so forgive me if I don't phone right away.

I miss: ICE trains, Whateverrrrrs!, Wot's its, the oak, Viva's, .65 Pims and lemonade, three types of potatoes served at every dinner, MB 27, red rat logos, Monty & Heide, blitz’s, screams of "Chuga, chuga, chuga, chuga, chugas", danke shuns, Jubel Truble, Mercedes cabs, WKDs, parades, casual Fridays, kits, chits, British kisses, double locks, the simple life DVD, loves it, sa-saaa!'s, tank after tank after tank, 30 min drives, super sight-seeing, Mitige ze pin number, bitte shuns, passports, inkognitos, foam, officer status, fancy dress, squaddies, 8 min layovers, Burger King @ Hannover Hbf, Peach Nestea, McCleans, 2 euro coins, Naafi, eurail stamps, stella, accents, "you alright love?"...

None of this would mean anything to you, but it means the world to me. This represents 1/1000th of my trip and trying to describe each and every one would take hours. Although what I do want to elaborate on is how these two months living in Germany has changed me, for the better.

I knew I was going to come back a changed lady, a more cultured lady, a wiser lady, although to the extent to which I would change and learn has surpassed my initial prediction. I was thrown into a situation where I had to be flexible and open to survive. I had to grow accustom to Camp Adventure culture: how to work by the CA standards, how to interact with 5-10 year olds, and to adjust to living, eating, working, and socializing with my fellow counselors. I had to grow accustom to Military culture: developing a professional yet friendly reputation at the Officer's Station Mess, ranking, military police, Naafi shopping. On top of that British culture since it was the Royal Army: Lingo, etiquette and manners, social/political issues. Then throw in the host-country culture: Though I was based in Germany, every weekend I woke up in a new country, Netherlands, Paris, Switzerland, and Czech Republic. Imagine how overwhelmed I was at first, but once I got into the swing of things, I enjoyed it then came to love it.

I learned so much about myself and other people. There are going to be people that you love and people that you hate - and that's okay. I use to beat myself up on not being liked or having a harmonious relationship with a person, however now, my skin has toughened up. I will not waste my time with certain people and no longer give anyone the benefit of the doubt. My trust is to be earned from now on - not given automatically and taken away when I'm betrayed. I will not sulk over someone’s hate or jealousy because my life is based on quality and not quantity.

I never knew how "American" I am until I subconsciously act as though in a foreign country and catch myself or reflect on it till later. There have been numerous times I've seen my Filipino culture emerge in situations. I have become thankful that I have this side to me because it has restrained me from acting a fool or being to annoyingly "American". I love European culture and want to immerse myself in more of their lifestyle.

I acknowledge my self-worth. I've become more logical, rational, and content with situations. I know what I want and will no longer pretend to not care or want "whatever" when others are included in a decision making process. I will not conform and allow anyone to unjustly patronize me or condescend.

Relationships have been tested, strengthen, and weakened. Fake and stressful relationships that have been hiding under the title of "friendship" have come to light and will be dealt with accordingly. Though I was thousands of miles away, the connection to my family has sustained distance and the love has grown stronger.

Hohne really is a fantasyland for us. The people, the adventures, the lifestyle is all to surreal. Drinking everynight, the British accents left and right, exploring a new land every weekend, making friends, German parties, getting trashed the night before and still waking up at 6am for work, it's all just a blur. Although this trip may seem to focus more on the travel and social scene, the job is actually the crux and represents 70% of this trip. If I didn't enjoy the company of my kids, if I couldn't perform to Camp standards, if I hated my job, I would've had the most tideous and worst summer. The amount of time and energy invested into these kids come out ten fold in rewards. I never knew I could care for a child until I had my own or feel so attached to a child I spent only three weeks with. They were always the number one priority. One cannot go to Hohne with expectations because it may be a serious gamble with their emotions and can set the tone of their trip. Where as one who has an open mind and is grateful for hidden blessings will enjoy what Hohne and the rest of Europe has to offer.

This summer in Germany I was disappointed, pleased, aggravated, and nervous. I was excited, frustrated, delighted, blessed, and intoxicated. I was tested, broken down, strengthened, and now I'm content. But most of all, I am inspired.

So here's to this summer... and to anticipating another wonderful summer next year. Prost!

Inside My Purse.

Wed, 05 Jul 2006 23:20:47 GMT

Here's a blog I've been wanting to do. Inspired by the ladies of BB$, I wanted to let ya'll know what the hell I'm carrying. Numerous times I've been called out by friends on how huge my purses are, but they're pretty practical and can carry everything I need. Sure sometimes its a hassle when I'm required to do a lot of movement but beauty knows no pain!

Wallet Everyone needs a wallet, keeps in order your credit cards, business cards, cash, receipts - anything financial or important. I've come to favor long wallets over fold over wallets and the black goes well with any purse.

Purple Heart Earrings I bought these earrings in San Francisco and have been in love with them ever since. A sort of bright purple compliments any of my outfits and sort of adds a funk to them.

Tweezers Plucking is fun!

Sunglasses Mandatory for these bright Summer days. I never wear them indoors because I think thats just stupid.

Ipod My mini gets me through the day. There are always random waiting periods or places to walk to and listening to my mini makes things more enjoyable.

Keys I try to carry only the necessary keys. I think key rings with 29103801 keys on them are so bulky and inefficient because I know I won't need them all.

Glasses It kinda sucks having to carry two hard casses but I need this to see.

Gold Chain Necklace Again, another accessorry to add dazzle to any outfit. Never know when a girl needs her bling!

Make-Up I'm a MAC girl but Nars is leaving an impression on me. My essentials: Lip gloss, powder, eyeliner, blush. Keep supplies handy whenever it wears off or when I need to look cute.

Ticket stubs I love going to the movies! AMC theaters of choice.

Certification cards For work I've needed to be certified in CPR for the professional rescuer and First Aid. Little did I know they only accepted American Red Cross certifications when I went through American Heart Association. So now I have a butt load of certifications from these companies. Hey, if ever anyone gets unconscious and has no circulation, I got your back!

USB key Living in a technological world, reliance on computer system and files is a common and often thing. When I need to carry data, I ditch the laptop, waste no time on bruning a CD and skip right ahead to saving the information on my handy little hard drive here. A USB key is a must for any computer kid.

Cell Phone I am one of many who rely heavily on this little thing. I'm probably the only one who doesn't have a camera on it but hey who needs that when I have my digital. This is my only way to tell the time and without I feel like a lost puppy.

So thats the gist of my purse - give or take a little. Oh and one more thing!

Camera This thing I can never leave home without. You never know when a kodak moment will occur when you step out of your door. My S500 records and captures all those social functions, funny facials, and "won't believe it till I see it with my own eyes" type of thing to put on this blog for my faithful readers to see or the stalkers on myspace to analyze. Of course it isn't seen on here because I'm using it to take this picture and photoshopping it in... well that's just unnecessary.

Checkpoint.

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 08:32:30 GMT

Jazelle's departure = another Germany checkpoint. Helping her pack made me grow more anxious, nervous, and excited...

Well here is a list I've been wanting to renew for a while... I've been compiling a whole new set of annoyances
Pet Peeves or things that get me irritated:
1. Rude people.
2. When front seat passengers stick their feet out the window.
3. Guys who think they automatically have entrance into your pants.
4. When my package is missing one part. Ex: your setting up your new bedstand from ikea but find you're missing an essential bolt to hold the whole thing together.
5. Whenever I see a 2007 camry... fuck man my dad should have just waited one more year! I have the '06.
6. When someone outbids me on ebay.
7. When you cant find the starting peice of the tape on its roll.
8. When you're told a certain price but when you get there to pay its higher (extra/hidden fees).
9. When things don't stay still when you want them too.
10. Someone you need to get in dire touch with but won't return your phone calls or messages.
11. When people are only your bestfriend when your fun.
12. Telling/asking things more than twice.
13. Driving below 70 on the fast lanes.
14. When people leave their trash in my car...
15. Or when they stain my car floor carpets.
16. People who leave constant useless bulletins on myspace every 10 minutes.
17. When people can't have fun without alcohol.
18. Thin or drawn in eyebrows.
19. When I just washed my car and it rains shortly after.
20. When something I just bought breaks.
21. Airplane food smell...
22. Anyone who smells...
23. Anyone with bad hygenie or grooming skills...
24. Dirty places.
25. Dirty bathrooms - how are you going to get clean in a dirty bathroom?
26. Hair left in the shower on the walls or on the floor from the previous person.
27. Dirty kitchens - how are you going to cook in a drity kitchen?
28. Memory card malfunctions.
29. Going to the dentist... I like the orthodontist... but not the dentist.
30. People with dirty fingernails/toenails.
31. Unibrows.
32. Denim top with denim bottom. FASHION NO NO. Especially when they're different washes.
33. People who still keep me on their buddy list to stalk me even though I am blatantly not their friend anymore.
34. When my mom goes through my stuff when I'm away.
35. Ants

I'll think of more later.